SLOUGH, ENGLAND:
It is a truth universally acknowledged that where there is a film version of a book, there will be a legion of contemptuous sneering fans hell-bent on seeking fault. With the film, that is. Never the book, to which these fans swear undying devotion.
Some of us are lifelong members of this club. Sometimes, the only way to dull the rage at a horrific adaptation is to crucify so we can soothe our troubled hearts. And if there is any fandom that is split clearly between Book Fans and Film Fans, it has to be the Harry Potter series.
Book Fans, this is your day in the sun. With the upcoming Harry Potter HBO television series in the works, as a healing exercise, today we are going to band together to collectively drown our sorrows in everything all eight Harry Potter films got wrong.
Are you still haunted by Dumbledore’s inability to ask questions goblet-related questions calmly? Does the sight of Ginny tying Harry’s shoelaces still make you want to curl up into a ball? Are you still flabbergasted by Harry’s impromptu dance with Hermione in a tent? Do you still question what could have possibly possessed Voldemort to start dishing out hugs? Head this way, because pain shared is pain halved!
Filmmaking choices – the good, the bad, and the ugly
In the interest of balance, it is necessary to first stress that not all filmmaking decisions were a total bafflement. All you need to do is listen to the opening notes of the iconic soundtrack, and your mind’s eye will instantly show you the Hogwarts Express winding its way through the mountains. And when it comes to casting choices, the films would not have had a leg to stand on had it not been for the slew of actors who have since departed. Who can forget the fabulous Dame Maggi Smith as Professor McGonagall, the genius of Alan Rickman as the stony-faced Severus Snape, the wonderful Robbie Coltrane as gentle giant Hagrid and the born-for-the-role Richard Harris as Dumbledore?Of course, it is not just lead teachers who left an indelible mark in the films. Supporting teachers, too, got right into the skin of their characters, as Emma Thompson flawlessly showed us with her flighty, tremulous Trelawney. And you would be hard-pressed to find anyone who could depict the egomaniacal Lockhart as effortlessly as Kenneth Branagh. It pains us to admit this, given Branagh’s sordid history with Thompson vis-a-vis (his) infidelity, but when it comes to acting, the man tends to know his craft.
With all this money and talent at one’s disposal, however, it is necessary to ask: pray, just what artistic purpose did Lupin’s serve? We understand that Lupin is not quite the heartthrob hero of the series, but was it really necessary to uglify him with a hideous moustache?
And speaking of heartthrob heroes, was there no one available in the makeup department who could transform Gary Oldman’s Sirius Black into the rock god he was meant to be? With his haunted eyes and long black hair, Sirius holds the honour of being many a girl’s first literary crush. If the makeup department could have turned Robbie Coltrane into a straw-haired giant, surely Oldman’s face (which is not at all ugly, let us be clear) could have been morphed into, say, something akin to Ralph Fiennes’ Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights? Series makers, please take note: Give Lupin whatever facial hair you want, but please do not mess with our beloved Sirius. To truly mourn his untimely passing, we first need to properly fall in love with him. And because we are shallow, the only we can go into mourning is if he is adequately beautiful. We cannot have this messed up for a second time.
Questionable characterisation
Not only are we Book Fans shallow enough to be put off by a non-hot Sirius, we also take offence at the insufferable treatment of Ginny Weasley in the hands of whoever moulded her on-screen personality. In the books, Ginny is a ball of fire who wins over Harry’s heart with her wit, brains, loyalty, and ability to answer back to him where Ron and Hermione are unable to. (Study Harry’s teenage angst in the Order of the Phoenix for reference.) In the films, Ginny is startlingly similar to the bottom of a Weetabix packet: dry, unnecessary, and something that deserves to be cast aside forthwith. Where in the books, Ginny makes Harry laugh with her deadpan humour and breathtaking ability to imitate Fleur Delacour behind her back, in the films she ties Harry’s shoes. Why? We are still not sure. Nevertheless, she prevents a potentially serious shoe-lace-related injury and has red hair. We are expected to believe that this is enough for the love story of a lifetime.
